In a time where there is so much trauma and abuse, there is another side of the healing spectrum that must be addressed:
that of the abuser.
Healing the abuser is central to healing the whole situation. If they are not healed, they are likely to continue to cause the same kinds of pain to others again and again and again.
But in a lot of ways, there are few to no paths to absolution and redemption for a perpetrator. Many human cultures tend to be really good at condemnation and punishment, but these do not heal an abuser. Ostracism (aka cutting someone off) and incarceration offer little opportunity for true rehabilitation.
The mindset of abusing the abuser does not teach them new ways to behave or help the victim much if at all. If someone makes a mistake once–even something so horrible as murder–do they face an eternal social Hell for one mistake?
Is there no way that they can atone and return to a healthy place in society?
I say, “Yes.”
But many people say, “No.”
No is the easy way out.
It’s the coward’s way out.
It eschews the pain and challenge of helping someone make amends, change behaviors, and deal with the messy emotions that all parties involved in a transgression (abused, abuser, accomplices, witnesses, and others) will go through.
When we say, “No,” it’s like cutting off a hand that it is bleeding. It makes another wound, and then that wound generally will elicit another attempt to end the wounding. So a person tries to cut off that part of the arm.
The wounding gets worse.
A person can look at WWI as a prime example of not addressing wounds correctly. Many, many wounds were caused during that war, but the winners of that war sought to punish Germany for its actions rather than heal the wounds of the German people. In cutting off “the hand that caused the pain,” they created new pain, and lo and behold, Hitler and the Nazis rise to power, which then brings about WWII and the Holocaust.
The truth of the matter is very simple:
Unaddressed pain will rise up again.
The only sane thing a conscious person and community can do is to help both survivors of abuse and abusers to heal.
It is only through reconciliation that an individual can become whole within themselves as well as reunited with society in a healthy way.
1. Realizing the Mistake and Taking Responsibility
Step one to atoning for pain that you caused another requires you to realize the mistake.
You have to surrender to the reality that you did something wrong.
I’ve mentioned severe transgressions like murder and war, but the mistake could have been something as simple as stealing your best friend’s favorite toy when you were younger. The guilt of that may haunt you. Now, it’s time to deal with that guilt and any pain you caused your friend.
Before talking to the friend (if you’re still in touch), you have to really, really accept that what you did was WRONG.
A lot of people try to skip this step. They get stuck in traps like:
- Justifying their actions
- Blaming the other person for something bad that they did or that they otherwise deserved what they got
- Trying to just “move on” / sweep things under the rug
- Giving an apology quickly to get away from the discomfort of the pain they’ve caused another, and more.
You should find additional sources of support to help you in accepting your mistake. You should also journal about the situation to look at what happened. This step is all about coming into full acceptance and SURRENDER to what you did so that you can take full responsibility for your actions.
If you can’t accept what you’ve done, you’ve got a lot of work to do here. This is no next step until you accept how crappy, mean, or even horrendous the abuse/transgression was whatever it was.
Taking Responsibility for Your Life
2. Investigating the Source of the Mistake
Actions are like the fruits of the tree.
They are the outputs of a whole chain of events that led up to the moment they came into existence.
Transgressors/abusers rarely find a way out of their abusive nature because they do not understand the roots of their actions. They get punished by society and are told that a specific action is wrong. They don’t get help in understanding from where a behavior arose.
They often aren’t offered much clarity on what a right action is.
“Just don’t do that!” society says.
“Do what instead?” the transgressor asks.
Additionally, if someone grows up in a violent community, then violence is taught to them every day of their lives. It sets up the individual to take violent actions, and of course, being around lots of violence is constantly triggering. They’re stuck in at an alert level that maintains readiness to fight or run from the situations that are going on. This sets an emotional baseline of threat in a person’s body.
They literally feel under attack or about to be attacked ALL THE TIME.
If this isn’t you, feel lucky, but try to imagine what that might be like…to feel threatened near constantly.
Engaging Your Baseline Emotional State
The result of this hypervigilance is hyperreactivity. It shows up in inappropriate situations where there is no real threat, but the individual is too stuck in fear to see it for what it is. The tendency to lash out with violence is all set up to happen.
The person is a powder keg waiting for the smallest of sparks to ignite.
That powder keg doesn’t have to be physically violent. There are plenty of non-physically violent actions people take that are awful. The whole spectrum of narcissistic abusers have a variety of direct and passive-aggressive attacks that wound people invisibly.
Yet the felt experience of the wound is real.
In short, for anyone who feels they’ve wronged another, there was a string of events building up out of childhood created that almost inevitable infliction of pain upon another.
That beginning MUST be investigated so that you understand what the root issue is.
When you know that, you can get to work on resolving the real issue, and you must do your inner work SINCERELY.
3. Healing the Issue(s) that Caused the Mistake
Once one or several issues (because it can be many) are identified, this is when the work gets real.
This is another step that is often missed.
Some people know why they did what they did, but they have no idea how to RESOLVE the source issues.
That’s why simple punishment is largely ineffective. It doesn’t teach people how to heal and to resolve the issue that caused the person to do what they did and may do again if it isn’t resolved.
There are countless blog posts on this spiritual awakening website dedicated to healing issues of all kinds.
The key thing to understand is that this can be a long and messy process, but it can bring you greater peace and inner freedom if you are willing to do the work. It is possible to resolve issues and to find freedom from behaviors and impulses that seemed impossible to stop. But it is work, and the more profound the abuse or wound you’ve inflicted, the more profound the source material is likely to be in you.
Step three can take awhile, but that’s how it can be with important processes like atonement and rehabilitation. For really dysfunctional behavior patterns, new behavior patterns must be created before moving to step four.
Healing from Illusions and Attachments
BTW, this is an awesome documentary about inner work. I highly recommend it.
4. Engaging with the Abused and Asking for Forgiveness (When Possible)
Every transgression is different, but when possible it is important to admit the mistake to the person who was harmed.
For something like the theft of a toy, that might be done via an email or phone call.
If the transgression is more recent and there is still an active connection to the person, you could have the conversation in person.
If the transgression was really serious like a murder, the admission and asking for forgiveness may be directed to the surviving family members, and it would very likely need to go through the appropriate legal channels so that everyone is safe.
To be sure, other people may want to commit violence back on the transgressor for a very serious and permanent act like murder. But being killed would not serve anything. That kind of martyrdom would only continue the cycles of pain and suffering that people already live in.
Abusers don’t deserve more pain.
They already know what it is. That’s why they did what they did!
Safety is key for ALL participants in the serious transgressions.
I’m using some very serious examples today, and I’m sure many of you don’t have to deal with such things. If you’re asking for forgiveness from your children and your spouse for having forgotten to pick up the kids from soccer practice, that’s a moderately uncomfortable situation. But everyone is already under the same roof, so that’s a matter of setting aside time to talk things through.
That example can be a powerful learning process for children to see how a parent atones for their bad behavior, which is rarely something parents are good at. Many parents are so broken that they try to always be right even when they are wrong. This creates future problems as the children then become adults who can’t admit their wrongs when they wound others.
More cycles of pain and suffering continue.
This whole spiritual awakening and spiritual freedom path is about finding a release from suffering.
I just wanted to offer that reminder.
Back to the example, the parent who makes a mistake creates a space where healing a transgression with one’s children offers the added benefit of teaching the children how to address transgressions they may commit or future ones that may happen to them.
Finally, if no interaction with the abused/victim is possible, then you ask for forgiveness from the Divine. I recommend having the full conversation that you need to have out loud to fully confess all the things you feel. You may have a close friend, spiritual teacher, or another confidante sit in the space as the person who was hurt.
Then at the end, as sincerely as you can, ask for forgiveness.
See what happens.
5. Sincerely Making Amends
We’re not done at forgiveness.
A conversation needs to be had.
In situations where the other person or people are willing to engage, they should be asking questions. If not–and you’re the abuser–you’ll likely have to teach them that they need to do this. It will help them to feel engaged and empowered in the situation.
Questions can include:
- What was the source of the issue or issues that caused you to do this action?
- How did you resolve that issue/issues? What kinds of inner work have you done?
- How have you changed your behaviors so it won’t happen again? Do you need new behaviors suggested to you?
- What do you want the relationship to be going forward?
That last is a question the aggrieved parties need to answer as well.
Then, if this conversation goes well, amends need to be made.
Sometimes, the actions to make amends will be obvious. If you broke a vase, then you fix it or buy a new one.
Other pains that people cause require different kinds of amends to the person and/or people who have been wronged. If a person has been belittling others to make themselves feel superior for a long time (like a narcissistic father or mother doing this to their child), there’s not a tangible thing to be given necessarily. It’s not like paying a fine would make sense. Instead, this superiority issue leads to step six where the person has to practice new behaviors over a long period of time. This might include not interrupting, shouting over, judging, or whatever way they did to prove themselves right at the expense of others. They may need to learn nonviolent communication techniques, listening skills, and so forth. They should have started practicing these patterns with non-aggrieved parties in step three so that they’re ready to do so with the victimized person or people in step 6.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication
In the narcissistic abuse situation, there are likely to be a lot of complex wounds that demand a lot of amends. Additionally, the child could ask for the parent to go to therapy, to have to listen to the stories of other narcissistic abuse survivors for six months, and/or other actions that the person feels are relevant.
If you’re atoning, you should be engaged with the conversation, but you don’t get to tell the person that you won’t do something. You can say if you can’t do something–like you can’t breathe underwater. Your ego will likely want to get out of something. But if you are sincere in wanting to atone, you’re going to have to do what is asked to make amends and let your ego scream without listening to it.
Finally, a true atonement process is not like being forced to pick up trash as a community service or going to jail. In so many instances, such an action is not decided upon between the two parties (abused and abuser). It comes from someone else like a court. The verdicts often lack relevance to what the transgression actually was.
They don’t make both parties WHOLE.
True atonement leads to wholeness for everyone.
Discussing with the other person (when possible) what s/he would like done as an appropriate amends is CRITICAL. It also can help the abused individual to fully heal, which is the best of all possibilities in atoning for pain you caused another.
Participate honestly and fully in the discussions. Go do whatever is asked as sincerely and to the best of your abilities as possible.
6. Practicing New, Corrected Behaviors
I want to reinforce that sometimes those who have been hurt won’t be ready to immediately forgive or will never forgive a transgressor.
That is their choice.
Your choice is to do your utmost to resolve your core issues and to take the actions you need to amend the situation. If the situation is something like having stolen things, then the old things get returned, or the person is reimbursed. If the person won’t engage with you, donate funds to a relevant charity.
Doing these things are part of both truly admitting guilt and practicing new behaviors.
You are likely to need help learning new behaviors. You should reach out to non-involved parties (like counselors and therapists) and other support organizations as well doing research to learn different ways of acting.
For example, if the your old behaviors were about taking things (aka stealing), volunteering and being of service would be new behaviors.
It is okay to not get these new behaviors perfectly right.
Diligence and dedication are important to embrace re-patterning yourself.
For a time, you may still return to old habits. Obviously, the more egregious ones like physical violence must be resisted at all times. If this is difficult, then you should find additional community support and go deeper in inner work to resolve violent tendencies. That also means you’re still at step three.
Step three–healing the issue or issues that caused the mistake–is vital.
However, there are more benign backslides that aren’t abusive. It’s okay. But that also means there is more inner work to be done to ensure that you stop hurting others or hurting yourself. That means, this process of atonement will ask you to return to steps 1, 2, and 3 to ensure that you are fully accepting problem, finding root causes, and releasing the issues that cause you to hurt others.
In so doing, you can continue to practice new behavior patterns and take the actions requested of you to amend the situation.
7. Completion of Amends
At the end of this, it’s important that when possible a transgressor can be received anew.
They come back to the aggrieved parties and report on the things they’ve done. They share the steps taken to atone (donating to charity, fixing the door they broke, returning the toy, undergoing EMDR, listening to the stories of other abuse survivors, etc.).
They discuss the aggrieved person or people’s feelings.
Now, now you can really ask for forgiveness.
The person can forgive you.
The person can ask you to make more amends or continue what you’ve done for a longer time period. They may not feel like you’ve done enough, so this could be a check-in conversation that takes a person back to earlier steps. For complex abuse situations in families, this is likely to happen.
The person can forgive you for one thing, but maybe another issue comes up. Once again, in complicated scenarios, there may be multiple abuses.
The person can choose to not forgive you.
In terms of the last one, you’re not always going to be forgiven. The point of this atonement process is that you can feel whole. You’ve done your best to make amends. Now be at peace.
Deepening Into Stillness and Inner Peace
Reintroduction in Extreme Situations
Unlike many societies handle transgressions and crimes, there needs to be a social mechanism for reintegration with society and the individual who is wronged in more extreme situations. They need to be accepted as a new person.
The rebirthing of a person is a central part of the spiritual path, and it is a reason that spiritual paths and religions have been stewards of redemption processes for millenia.
If someone who sexually abused their partner has truly done all the steps and the two people still want to be together, there needs to be space to redevelop the relationship.
Reintroduction is more than just saying, “Hey my partner is fixed!”
It’ll likely require changes in behavior on the part of the other person too. Both people will need to redefine the relationship so that it can be healthy. If they do this, the relationship could be far stronger and more loving than ever before.
That’s a difficult transformation for the relationship, and community support is critical to help the two people not fall back into old toxic behavior patterns.
Other situations will require more work than some. Society needs to find space in its collective heart to allow a redeemed murderer to get a job without shutting them out. That requires much more work socially and legislatively. But doing so means having someone be a healthy part of society once more. When this is not allowed, people get pushed back into the shadows, which ends up creating more social problems. That makes becoming a repeat offender almost a certainty, and everyone suffers more because of this.
I think one of the most wonderful examples of deep healing is Rwanda after the genocide in the 1990s. If people there can be befriend the murderer of their brother and so many others, then people anywhere can do it.
After the Genocide, Author Witnessed How Rwandans Defined Forgiveness
Dedication, Dedication, Dedication
Once again, the key in all of this is dedication.
This is a messy process.
There is no certainty in healing, and all parties are likely to want to fall back to their most basic ego programs.
We all have to be dedicated in demanding healing of transgressors, in transgressors demanding healing for themselves, and in creating space for people to atone and be welcomed back into the heart of society.
If we do this hard work, there will be countless benefits to all of us and a far more peaceful and kind society than we can imagine today.
Want help learning the atonement process or atoning? You can reach out for a session.
Updated 8/5/2025
