I know that I make up a lot of definitions, and I always encourage you to comment on blog posts or contact me with questions or clarifications. I think clarifying definitions is probably something we should all do a lot more of in general. It would go a long way towards clearing up potential misunderstandings. Words do not carry the same meaning for different people, and that can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and frustrations.
But one term that I’d like to spend some time teasing out is the term “projection.”
Projections, Stories, and Illusions
I don’t know where I first heard this term, and I can’t remember when I first started using it. When I use the term “projection,” I mean that you are placing an idea, emotion, physical experience, and/or set of stories onto someone.
That can mean that you think they’re feeling what you’re feeling.
Or that can mean that you think they have similar ideas as you.
You can project a whole encylcopedia/Wikipedia onto the person (particularly with family) about who they are. From these definitions and perceptions of your projections, you interact and react to the other person.
If perceptions of projections sounds confusing, it is!
Essentially, you’re looking at the image you’ve placed on them, and you’re acting like that image is them.
Imagine I smash a pie into your face, and then I tell you that your face is dark blue with spheres all over.
You are rightly upset about having a pie smashed in your face, and you say that “that’s not who you are at all.”
Unfortunately, you heave a bucket of mud on my face, and then you describe me by the mud you threw on me. Neither of us sees the truth of each other in these ego projections.
It’s crazy.
But this is what we do to ourselves and each other.
None of it is about seeing reality.
Projecting is about seeing the illusions we’re used to seeing. It’s about living within our familiar bubble that we think we can control.
Boxing in People and Life
Nobody likes the feeling of being boxed in, but our projections are boxes that we put people into. Then we expect them to fit in and stay in this box.
Then we get frustrated when the box doesn’t seem to fit them, or they don’t like the box we’re cramming them into.
Conflict arises.
You could also consider projecting as a lens through which we see people, but the lens only shows certain parts and hues of others.
If it shows anything at all!
Sometimes, our lens and box is so distorted it is like a kaleidoscope. Everything is topsy turvy!
Kaleidoscope–a short poem
This happens regularly in romance, but it is relevant to all of our relationships.
You probably can think of an instance where you were dating someone, and they seemed absolutely awesome. They just glowed for you. You couldn’t find anything wrong with him/her if you wanted to. Then one day, that person did something: ran a redlight, punched someone out, lied about something, or did something that otherwise stopped you dead in your tracks. You’re like, “I never thought s/he’d do something like that.”
Whoops. Your projection–your story about who that person is–just got broken.
And sometimes this happens thirty years into a marriage.
It’s amazing how long we hold onto our illusions and projections of people.
The Wide Range of Projections
Of course, it doesn’t mean someone did something bad to break your projection. Someone could do something very nice, and it would be just as jarring if your projected story on this person is that they’re heartless and cruel. Then that person donates a million dollars to a charity, and you’re floored.
Of course, your ego is quick to rush in with a fix on the projection.
You’ll say, “Oh well, he’s just using that as a tax write-off” or something to that nature. Because you wouldn’t want to admit that you’re the story-maker here or that you just might not see the whole picture, right?
Still it goes on to more benign situations.
You see the kind, sweet 6th grade teacher to your son partying like a rock star out at a bar.
Your football star son suddenly professes an undying love of Emily Dickinson poetry.
Your high school sweetheart who was a total ladies man suddenly becomes interested in men.
I could write this list for a very long time, but you get the picture.
Why Projections Are Problem
Projections are a problem because
THEY
ARE
NOT REAL.
They’re just stories.
They’re ways to categorize people and to reinforce your own sense of ego.
It’s how our egos make themselves feel safe and in control. But they don’t allow us to engage appropriately with reality. This blocks our abilities to resolve problems, embrace opportunities, and grow spiritually.
Now, it’s not to say that definitions aren’t helpful. But a healthy definition of someone is descriptive.
What do I mean by this?
A description elaborates on reality.
A projection is your own idea/illusion/feeling placed upon another regardless of what actions they do.
If I say the sky is blue today where I am, that’s a description. You can go outside in my part of the world and check.
Reality doesn’t mind.
Double-check.
Triple-check.
Quintuple-check.
Reality never minds how much you poke and prod it with inquiry.
If you sincerely check into an illusion or projection, it immediately begins to fall apart. The ego struggles. Then it releases a cavalcade of additional beliefs and illusions to support why Richard is a jerk.
Because he is. Because this one time…
Because I feel bad…
Because…
Because…
Because….
And when a neutral third party comes in, they can’t necessarily see that Richard is a jerk. Or maybe he was mean once, but not since. Or maybe he is a human being with many different aspects to him.
Maybe that one.
5 Spiritual Struggles and Growing From Them
People Who Live in their Categorizations
“But I know Richard is a total jerk, liar, and a people-pleaser.”
You thought the ego was done.
I was done writing about the mythical Richard (you can insert: mom, wife, husband, son, co-worker, friend, ex-partner, and whomever). But the ego isn’t.
But that’s how this is. Even when proven wrong, the ego clings. It refuses to see the projections onto Richard nor the desire to hold onto a category.
What’s worse is that a lot of people buy into their own categorizations, which gives the ego an unneeded lifeline to keep its illusions.
Maybe you’re a stay-at-home, soccer mom, so you go and do things that other stay-at-home moms do to feel included. You get your kids involved in soccer because that’s what you’re supposed to do. You even start coaching soccer.
There’s a lot of social power and approval in living within your categorization / the projections of others.
Almost all of us saw this in high school with the cliques that formed: jocks, nerds, music geeks, skaters, and so on. Remember when it was a big deal for someone from one group to talk to someone in another?
Ooo, the scandal. =)
Of course, it sucked that there was this scrutiny to talk to someone in a different group. You probably didn’t feel as free to connect with some people as you would have liked, and this is precisely the problem with projections. You’re limiting and confining yourself to certain ways of being with others and with yourself even as you’re trying to limit who others can be.
If people want to keep themselves confined in their categorizations, that’s their choice–unconscious as it may be.
But if you’re here, you’re on the path to realizing spiritual freedom, and you can not be on this path and tolerate the ego categorizations and projections that you put on others.
As you let those projections go, you give people the room to be more than they might have thought they could be.
Discovering Your Projections and Breaking Them
Okay, so do you follow me now?
You’ve got a lot of stories about others, which are built off of the big story you have about yourself.
That story of yourself was created in childhood via biology, society (family is included in that), and physical environment.
This ego lens and projections define how you see yourself and the world, and they limit what you will do or say. They limit what you even believe is possible.
Spiritual Work Assignment
You can pick a couple people in your life and journal out who you think they are.
Then spend time with them and ask questions. A lot more questions.
If you have a moment where you notice you’re making an assumption (and believe me, you are), then ask questions as if your assumption is wrong (and it might be).
Then get other people’s opinions about the person.
See what you discover about this person.
Then breathe and come back to awareness as your ego attempts to fight the evidence you’ve discovered.
Spiritual Awakening Confusion and Internal Conflict
In general, getting more diverse opinions outside of your community is critical. We choose our friends and communities to echo back our beliefs, not to break projections.
It’s one of the many reasons that having a spiritual teacher is powerful in this work. Left to our own devices, we choose our own beliefs and projections.
But getting used to having your projections and ego disrupted is work.
Deepening Relationships on the Spiritual Path
It’s always amazing what evolves in to a relationship when we get our projections out of the way.
In many respects, letting go of projections allows both people the opportunity to be more fully themselves.
It may mean some relationships end, but others can evolve into deeper connections because you’re not trying to hold onto someone in some way that doesn’t suit them.
Parents often struggle with this as their children grow up. They try to hold onto their projection of their baby girl as a Starburst-chewing, jump-rope-hopping 10-year old. But she’s 18 now. She’s got a boyfriend, and she’s not a virgin. Other big milestones are on the way, and you’ll want to be there for those. You have to let go of who she was to embrace who she is NOW.
In committed long-term relationships, this is a powerful tool as well.
You may be surprised what pain points surface. You may tell your partner (if your relationship is strong enough to handle it–I hope it is) some of the things that you see about them, and you may find out how wrong you are about a number of things.
Can you let go of your projections?
Can they find the courage to let go of their projections onto you?
If so, get ready for a whole re-imagining of your relationship that can blow both of your minds. There is now space for more intimacy because the two of you (or three or more, I’m not judging) can accept more of each other.
Spiritual Awakening and Transitional Relationships
Don’t Throw Out the Baby With the Bath-Water
Not all of our stories are useless, but they need to be put in their place.
I have a story getting projected on to me by people–that of the spiritual teacher.
It’s useful because people know what kind of advice and help I can offer, but it’s also enormously problematic because people don’t really know what a spiritual teacher is because of a long history of abuses.
So this projection of a “spiritual teacher” / “transformation teacher” is often one of the first projections I tackle with students to break down who they think I am so that they can better see who I actually AM.
Heck, for some of you, you might be a little surprised at how loud, profane, and down-right ridiculous I can be if you ever met me.
You’re like, “But his blogs sound so serious and loving.”
Well, I think I’ve sworn a couple times in past blogs, but you get the picture.
I am so much more than a “teacher,” and you and all your relationships are so much more than any set of projected emotions and ideas.
As you come to realize this and make space to see the broader context of life, your whole vision of your world will start to shift. You’ll see things you’ve never seen before but have always been here.
And you’ll have a chance to spiritually grow in ways that you’ve never considered possible.
5 Qualities That Emerge from Effortless Spiritual Growth
(Updated 6/2/2025)
2 Comments
Thank you! This is definitely something I do on a regular basis. And then when I see the projections starting to break down I run off. It is most assuredly about living in a fantasy, instead of getting to know someone (even myself) and then moving forward with the relationship (friendship/romantic).
I am definitely going to check if i do this too. Thank you!